Twenty Things Every Mom Needs to Know

May 23, 2008 at 1:00 am 12 comments

Last year, I had a layout published in which I dispensed some parenting advice that I had gleaned over my years as a mom. I’ve managed to keep my kids alive up to now so I think all of that advice still has merit and in my 4.3 minutes of allotted down time per day, I’ve gradually added to my arsenal. My goal is to have this mounted on a neon green 10′ x 10′ canvas and hang one in each of my daughters’ family rooms after they have children of their own. At the bottom, it will have a small, bronze plaque engraved with “I TOLD YOU SO. LOVE, MOM”

  1. My philosophy on parenting can best be described as a combination of “flying by the seat of my pants” and “baptism by fire” with a healthy dose of “winging it” thrown in for good measure.
  2. Save the $12.95 plus shipping/handling. No book is going to fully prepare you for the wonder that is projectile vomiting. You have to experience it first hand to truly appreciate all of its nuances.
  3. Television has the power to suck the ability to form a coherent thought right out of a child. Use this time wisely.
  4. Remember, there is no law that requires you to have fifteen of your daughter’s closest friends sleep over in your living room on her birthday and feed them all breakfast the next morning and no amount of hissy fits changes that fact.
  5. There is a direct correlation between raising a pre-teen daughter and the deterioration of cerebral function at warp speed. Who are you again?
  6. It’s one week before summer and your six year old insists on riding her bike into the road. What do you do? If your answer is to restrict her to your driveway and explain that you are simply trying to keep her safe and alive to enjoy the summer and, with any luck, her next birthday – good for you! Just be prepared for her to promptly fall off her bike in the driveway and suffer a spiral fracture of her lift tibia from ankle to knee, resulting in the summer being pretty much a bust. When she breaks her arm almost exactly one year later under identical circumstances, don’t say I didn’t warn you and I won’t say I told you so.
  7. The laws of physics simply don’t allow for seven friends to sit next to the birthday girl in a 2000 Honda Accord. It’ll be ugly but hey, you can’t fight the science.
  8. Any teacher worth his/her salt expects any mom worth her salt to negotiate the terms under which she will chaperone her kindergartner’s class field trip to the local zoo. As a mom and fellow human being, I encourage you to think of your own safety as it’s you against one hundred hot, sweaty little miscreants who haven’t eaten anything in three hours and who are demanding to pet the gorillas. Insist on a three foot perimeter “safe zone” protecting you from used tissue, chewed gum, sticky hands and various bodily fluids and gases. Bullhorns are a necessity, not a luxury. So is Xanax. If you feel your sanity is in jeopardy at any time, run far far away. If riding on a school bus is required, get the appropriate shots and demand combat pay. Make sure your affairs are in order. Just sayin’.
  9. When your five year old suffers a partially severed ear, requiring twenty stitches by a plastic surgeon in the ER and then asks if the mile of pink and purple bandaging around her head looks like “fashion,” just nod your head “yes” and try to ignore your clammy skin, greenish pallor, impending nausea, heart palpitations and acute dizziness. No one likes a drama queen.
  10. If you want your children to be able to function in the real world, then you better teach them how real time works. “Just a minute” does not mean sixty seconds, it means “whenever the hell Mommy feels like it.” So shut up already about the big hand and the little hand because you’re ruining it for the rest of us.
  11. In a perfect world, your pediatrician’s office has self-sterilizing toys, snack machines and a five minute maximum waiting time. But we don’t live in a perfect world, do we? Put your game face on and pack a bag.
  12. The first time you channel your mother won’t be your last.
  13. I can’t lie to you. There is no general consensus as to the length of a “stage.” It can last anywhere from ten minutes to ten years. Yes, it sucks. But at least you know.
  14. Barbie is the Devil Incarnate and Polly Pockets are her spawn.
  15. Taking a daily shower and separating dirty socks and underwear from dirty jeans before they hit the laundry basket is not considered child abuse. Neither is requiring them to actually hit the laundry basket.
  16. “I will” when uttered by a child actually means “I won’t until you ask me 83 more times.”
  17. Battling lice can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am so not kidding.
  18. Don’t sign your daughter up for girl scouts unless you are willing to sleep in some pretty icky places and take my word for it … no amount of Thin Mints is going to make you feel better about spending the night on the floor of an aquarium directly underneath the kid-friendly a/k/a no-walls-separating-you-from-them crab exhibit. Do I have to draw you a picture?
  19. The words “we’ll see” are almighty powerful and can mean yes,” “no,” “maybe,” “not a shot in hell” and/or “over my dead body,” depending on the circumstances. Use them sparingly and they’ll serve you well.
  20. If you think you won’t ever bribe, yell, or swear at your kids, or use the phrase “because I said so” … good luck with that. You’re on your own.

Entry filed under: Kids, Me, Miscellaneous. Tags: , , .

By request: The Infamous Chia Pet Incident Memorial Day Weekend

12 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Juliana  |  May 23, 2008 at 9:39 am

    Your post made me laugh (and nod in agreement quite a few times!)

    Thanks for stopping by my blog to comment today! At least, I think it was you! 🙂

  • 2. ckugrad  |  May 23, 2008 at 9:41 am

    You are killing me! And definitely a member of the “Bad Mother’s Club”! LOLOLOLOL, of which I am President! bwahahahhahah I’ll have to send my friends over to read this!
    I went to cheer camp last year with 32 cheer princess (and the pea). The beds were disgusting, the bathrooms were mortifying, the food HORRIBLE, the walk in the heat to the air conditioned gym deplorable, how could starbucks be closed oh and btw 1/2 of them will be attending this University and living in this or a similar dorm very shortly! I was in paradise myself having a bathroom that wasn’t down the hall and someone cooking for me? This was not rouging it girls. This year we are going to “Resort Camp” because they couldn’t take it. OH and one of those cheer princesses is mine! LOL!

  • 3. Neverland Scraps  |  May 23, 2008 at 9:43 am

    very funny 20 things to read!! There were a bunch of them I was just laughing so loudly about that my youngest asked what was so funny!!

    Thanks for a great read again today!

  • 4. Michelle Powell, Chief Scraphead  |  May 23, 2008 at 10:17 am

    Oh, I definitely needed that chuckle! You are too funny!

    Great pearls of wisdom 🙂

    Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

  • 5. Amy Eileen  |  May 23, 2008 at 10:19 am

    OMG! LOL I am seriously sitting here roaring my big tush off! Oh man, you have got it down. Love this post. Definitely one of my fave blog posts of all time! YOU ROCK!

  • 6. Heather  |  May 23, 2008 at 10:52 am

    That was AWESOME! So true, yet so freaking funny!!!!!!! Awesome post!

  • 7. Stella Crupko  |  May 23, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    LOL, I love it except I disagree with the girl scouts thing. I am a leader for my daughters girl scout troop and I love experiencing those things with her. Of course, its not for everyone.

  • 8. Martha  |  May 23, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    TRUE!!!! LOL!! Every word!! I just keep remembering the words of my grandmother…”You’ll have at least 1 child that makes you pay for your raisin’.” lol!! I’ve got 3!!:p

  • 9. Catherine  |  May 23, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    LO, i really enjoyed reading your 20 things!

  • 10. Amy  |  May 23, 2008 at 6:59 pm

    Amen, sister. Especially to No. 4. We had a slumber party for my daughter when she was in 5th grade … that was also the year I volunteered to lead her Girl Scout troop. I still have nightmares! I’m smarter now with my son. When he says, “You don’t have to come on this field trip, Mom,” I say, “Great!” and I go have coffee with my friends. If I do drive on a field trip, I tell the teacher I only have three seatbelts, when I actually have six.

    Great post — thanks for the laughs!

  • 11. Alli  |  May 23, 2008 at 8:48 pm

    at this moment in time it sounds as though it is a lot safer to have boys, true I have used many of those ploys you have mentioned to advantage already but as they are only 4 and 6 I see I have a long way to go yet!

  • 12. jill  |  May 24, 2008 at 6:51 am

    Love the list!

    I have comments and/or anecdote for almost all of them but that would be a lot of typing for me and a lot of reading for you. So I’ll just leave it at love the Barbie and Polly Pocket comment 🙂


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